Lately, I am following in the footsteps of Alexander Pope (I can only wish) with contemporary versions of classic poetical works, in rhyme and meter. These medieval French romances will be published this fall by eFitzgerald Publishing, and one of them, The Romance of Willem and the Werewolf, will be presented as a verse drama as part of the Shout Out Saugerties Arts Festival this fall at Opus 40 in Saugerties, NY.
THE GIRL CAN'T HELP IT
Among the titles Jayne Mansfield held in her career were Miss Photoflash, Miss Magnesium Lamp, Miss Fire Prevention Week, Gas Station Queen, Miss Analgesin, Cherry Blossom Queen, Miss Third Platoon, Miss Blues Bonnet of Austin, Miss Direct Mail, Miss Electric Switch, Miss Fill-er-up, Miss Negligee, Nylon Sweater Queen, Miss One for the Road, Miss Freeway, Hot Dog Ambassador, Miss Geiger Counter, Best Dressed Woman of Theater, Miss 100% Pure Maple Syrup, Miss July Fourth, Miss Texas Tomato, Miss Standard Foods, Miss Orchid, Miss Potato Soup, Miss Lobster, Miss United Dairies and Miss Chihuahua Show. She declined the title of Miss Roquefort Cheese because "it didn't sound right."
Say, pal, who's coming to the bash?
I thought I'd ask Miss Photoflash,
I hear she does the Monster Mash,
In other words, she's quite the vamp--
She's also Miss Magnesium Lamp,
And, then, to bolster her mystique,
Was named Miss Fire Prevention Week,
And these she didn't get by teasin' --
Gas Station Queen, Miss Analgesin.
I'm sure you know the one I mean,
She was the Cherry Blossom Queen.
The guys were reaching for the moon,
When they named her Miss Third Platoon.
She's known from Chillicothe to Boston,
But Miss Blue Bonnet? That's in Austin.
Her titles come without a glitch,
Miss Direct Mail, Miss Electric Switch,
Best not to ask how this came up:
How she was named Miss Fill-er-up,
Or what was going on the day
They voted her Miss Negligee
(Know what I mean? Know what I mean?)
She's now the Nylon Sweater Queen.
You might be thinking of a threeway,
Miss One for the Road -- hoo boy! Miss Freeway,
But not so fast--it's still just her,
Likewise, Hot Dog Ambassador,
How hot? Just ask Miss Geiger Counter,
There, you'd think twice before you'd mount her.
And anyway, you've yet to meet her,
This Best Dressed Woman of the Theater,
The chances are, you can't pick her up,
Miss 100% Pure Maple Syrup,
As Miss July Fourth, you'd salute her,
And say she couldn't look much cuter.
I call her Miss Texas Tomato,
You say tomahto? That's OK too,
You've had enough? Oh, no, there's more, kid--
Miss Standard Foods, and then Miss Orchid,
Miss Lobster, Miss Potato Soup,
She's tastier than all that goop,
She's loved by heteros and fairies,
And farmers--Miss United Dairies.
And Miss Chihuahua Show--but please,
You can't call her Miss Roquefort Cheese.
REALITY SALON SALE
--Going out of business--
A special here on climate change--
Now, granted, you may think it strange,
If you're a polar bear, or folks
At sea level, that it's a hoax.
We're moving out these voting rights
(But hey, they're still OK for whites).
We're clearing shelves so we can usher
Our new fall line, marked Made in Russia.
© 2019 Tad Richards
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