Jim Lewis Verse-Virtual 2015 September

September 2015

I am a poet, musician, and nurse practitioner. My poetry and music reflect the difficulty and joy of human interactions, drawing inspiration from life experiences as well as imagination. When I am not writing, composing, or diagnosing, I love going out on my kayak, exploring and photographing the waterways near my home in California.

Author's Note: This poem is based on the ugly experience of mental illness (in my case, having two children with significant issues). It isn't meant to sugar coat or make the experience anything other than what it is: painful for all concerned. However, I have tried to present the pain in a way that is accessible and moving.

empty

the hallway should be quiet
with him gone
but i hear echoes from the room
where he daily tried to hide
from loneliness and depression
moving in and out of
sleep and music
sleep and books
sleep and more sleep
sliding down
ever down
until i couldn't reach him
anymore

we ground against each other
like sheets of coarse sandpaper
determined not to lose
destined not to win

somewhere along the way
love got lost
and liking him was buried
in the bits and pieces
we tore from each other until
i couldn't find forgiveness
only resignation
and commitment

i am relieved
by the pleasant silence
ashamed at my relief

i think of him
returning as early as tomorrow
five days away
is not enough
he has not healed
he has no place
no refuge
no safety here

i stand motionless
outside the half-closed door
where his absence shouts pain, anger,
and sadness too deep to measure

the guilty selfishness surprises me
as I wonder if this room
will ever really be
empty