I love to laugh and make other people laugh. When my kids were little I made up silly stories for them — and then turned them into songs. Now I write poetry and short stories, all humorous. I've created a Zombie advice columnist, Hideous Hilda, who counsels needy zombies. I’ve also created a character called Anxietyman who always 'saves the day' even though he’s a neurotic nervous wreck. (Yes. I based him on me...) My poems and stories have been published online and in print.
Traditional Poem Faces Free Verse
“Free verse you’ve mangled my meter —
No doubt you’ll disrupt my pace —
Mine is the mind of a reader
Appalled without verses in place.
Free verse you’ve ruined my rhymes —
I’m a poem! What did you do?
The words that were last in my lines
Sound nothing alike — thanks to you!”
Free Verse Faces Traditional Poem
“Poem you’ve marched with your meter
Into my free flowing style —
Mine is the mind of a reader
Appalled by this nursery rhyme pile.
Poem, your rhymes I oppose —
I’m a free verse! What did you do?
The words at the end of my prose
Rhyme perfectly — thanks to you!”
— HIDEOUS HILDA'S ZOMBIE ADVICE —
You only die once...
DEAR HIDEOUS HILDA: I’m a recently reanimated
male carcass with a really annoying problem. My
doorbell has rung on three separate occasions this
past week. Each time I heard it I gauntly gawked
through the peephole in the door -- only to see the
same persistent peddler standing on my doorstep.
I couldn’t believe my eerie eyes when I noticed that
his briefcase had ‘Affordable Life Insurance’ printed
on it in large bold type. I remember moaning to
myself, ‘Yeah right! like that’s something I’m really
going to need.’ Well anyway, I’m getting tired of his
ringing my doorbell all the time. What should I do if
this determoaned salesman comes to my door again?
DEAR IRRITATED: It is apparent to me that you are
undergroaning a common adjustment problem faced
by many zeophyte zombies. You are taking too long
a time to get used to your new death. And I imagine
that by now you are ravenously hungry. How many
more times are you going to pass up the chance to
have a free home-delivered meal? The next time that
delectable doorbell-ringer comes to visit, open the
door and have yourself some frightful fun. After he
goes on with his spiel about how wonderful and
affordable his life insurance is, you can politely ask
him if he has a policy on himself. When he says
something like, ‘well of course I do!’ -- I suggest that
you morbidly moan, ‘Excuse me sir but are you sure
that the face value on your life insurance policy is
adequate?’ More than likely he’ll respond with a
defensive, ‘I consider it to be more than adequate if
you really must know.’ That’s when you repulsively
reply, ‘Good! because your beneficiary is about to
become very rich.’ Need I say more...
With dire indamnity,
©2015 Brian Horsethief